I Am Such A Mess
by Olive Malik
Summary: Harry is deaf and Louis is slowly falling with him. Their story, told in little snapshots and moments. AU Larry Stylinson.


Louis pushes at the dirt through the blades of grass and wonders where it went so wrong. Or so right. At the moment he's quite torn between the two, because isn't life just a mixture of good and bad, so what is it really to be labeled as? He stares hard at the ground and trains his ears to listen for the birds, even though he knows he'll never hear it. The feeling is a strange twist in his stomach. The irony isn't lost on him. He punches the ground harder and whimpers before collapsing on his back to gaze at the puffy white clouds overhead. Clouds were lucky, clouds didn't have any problems. They didn't have anything to do except float around. Until they got heavy, heavy until they couldn't hold it anymore, and then they just let go. Maybe that's what Louis needed to do, just let go.

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Harry Styles leans over the desk until he's laying on top of it as he desperately tries to get Louis' attention. When the older boy finally looks up he starts cackling and has to throw a hand over his mouth when the teacher glares at the two of them. Louis twists around in his seat as soon as she looks away and starts signing as fast as he can to Harry. Harry grins and nods, sliding over the paper. It reads, "Wanna go stag to the dance?" Louis rolls his eyes.

"Duh," he mouths, making Harry smile affectionately.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Harry is beaming with Louis on his arm, it's truly the best dance ever. The school has gone all out because it's the first dance of the year and of course they're seniors now. Louis and Harry dance to every song, no matter if it's fast or slow. Louis leads Harry and the vibrations are clue enough so they look and feel so goddamn normal. Harry waves his hands in the air like a crazy person and Louis laughs and mimics him and they just laugh until their stomachs hurt and they're out of breath. In that moment it's like they're regular people and it's nice to forget that Harry can't actually hear Louis' laugh, that Louis isn't really Harry's boyfriend, that Harry can't hear him say I want you when Louis whispers it in his ear during a slow dance.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Harry buried his nose in Louis' feathery hair and just inhaled. The scent was sweet and fruity, a nice match with Louis' personality. Sometimes Harry wished he could hear the bright, cheery laugh that Louis emitted with his head thrown back and his eyes lit up like a night in London. He always consoles himself with the fact that at least he can see Louis, but it never truly tames the aching in his soul. Harry hadn't pulled away from sniffing and now his chest is vibrating as Louis speaks.

Harry pulls away and gazes fondly at the shorter boy. He isn't trying to read his lips at this point, he's too tired. Louis picks up on this and simply rests his head on Harry's shoulder and huffs out a breath into Harry's neck. They lay like that until the morning sun peeks over the horizon and the air around them has changed now, for the better.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis has been going deaf since last year, the doctor doesn't say a lot when he goes for a checkup. He assumes this means he'll be completely deaf soon, but it's okay because he knows sign language and Harry won't care. They'll be the cute deaf couple.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis gives Harry a peck on the cheek and signs hello. Word had gotten out about the two of them, as well as the fact that they only spoke in sign language to each other. Their friend Niall thinks it's the most fucking adorable thing on the planet and Liam thinks much of the same.

Liam knows sign language a bit so at lunch he'll decipher their conversations and relay it to Niall who will coo and grin and laugh like they're a soap opera. That's honestly what it feels like, the way everything worked out. So perfect.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis remembers once when they went over to Grandpa Keith's house. He was maybe 14 or 15. Louis looks at his Grandpa's gnarled hands all closed in on themselves and swollen. "Does it hurt you?" The older man sighs.

"No. It's called Dupuytren's Disease. I just, I hope you'll never have to know." Louis cocks his head to the side.

"What do you mean Grandpa?"

"It's hereditary. You know what that means right?" Before Louis can answer his mother is rushing in and giving death glares at his Grandpa. It makes sense now why him and his sisters have to go to that special doctor twice a year. He worries for Daisy or Phoebe who haven't had their first checkups yet. He hopes to god they don't have it. His mum calls for dinner so he shoves the fear down and scurries over to the set table.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

On Halloween Harry is busy so Louis hangs out with Liam. They watch Toy Story 3 and Louis can barely hear it anyway so he isn't that sad when at the same time Liam is bawling.

"This movie," Liam chokes out. The whole thing is almost comical. Louis eventually gives Liam a comforting smile and hugs him. They snuggle together and Louis forgets about not being able to hear the words that much.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

One morning Daisy comes running in to Louis' room. "Louis my hand hurts!" He's half awake until his brain registers the wail and then he's stumbling out of bed and falling down to her level. "Help Louis, it hurts," she whines.

Louis grabs her hand and starts feeling around for lumps. He didn't know it could even start at such an early stage in life. Only there are no lumps. So Louis calls the doctor and sets up an appointment for Daisy and Phoebe before telling his mother anything. When he shares the events with his mother she cries and tells him he did the right thing. They stay up talking all night because neither can sleep with such a heavy weight on their chest.

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They have their first fight in December. Louis' birthday is coming up and he doesn't want too much effort wasted on himself, but Harry insists on it. 'You're worth it' Harry signs with his face screwed up in anger. They've both learned that you can't really fight in sign language because you can't shout at each other. Either way the conversations in sign language they've been having lately make life so much easier.

'I don't want a big deal, why can't you accept that?'

'I do, but it's the little things like that that makes me feel more normal. Don't you want that?' Louis sighs and rubs his hands over his face, wincing when his finger cramps up a little. He'd done a ton of writing in his English class, he fucking hated that professor, but anyways.

'I do. Go ahead then, if you want to then I want to.'

'Are you sure?' In response Louis holds out his fist with his thumb up and Harry meets him with his own hand. They wiggle their thumbs together. Soulmates.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis traces patterns onto Harry's skin and it sends tingles down his spine like nothing else. The stars are shining onto their bodies sprawled in the snow, and Harry closes his eyes and feels. Louis taps him on the shoulder, then points to a specific star. He signs 'That's the Harry star, because it's the brightest one in the sky'. Harry blushes and shakes his head in response, his curls flying everywhere.

'I love you' Louis signs.

"I love you too" Harry croaks. He knows it must sound awful to Louis, but nevertheless his love beams and launches himself at Harry. They kiss and kiss and kiss. Louis is giddy and obviously Harry feels much the same.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

On Louis' birthday he is thrilled to find that Harry ordered him a cake with a fucking mini-version of Louis on top of it. He feels like a proper celebrity as they pose near the dessert. Louis cuts the cake with Harry like it's a wedding but nobody mentions it to them, or if they do neither boy notices. They sign at each other so fast no one can really tell what they're saying, but it's like a special connection between them. They get each other. At midnight Harry crawls into bed with Louis and wraps his arms around him and Louis feels limitless.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The walk home on Friday is tedious as always but Louis treks on in the freezing cold until he's standing in front of his house. He unlocks the door and stumbles in tiredly, dropping his backpack by the door. Louis shakes out his hand, and goes to watch TV. Unfortunately his hand had been feeling crampy all day, which sucked, but whatever. His teachers did like to make them write a ton. He scratched at his ear absentmindedly and sat down on the armchair in the living room. Before he grabs the remote he looks at his right hand and splays out his fingers. Louis reaches out slowly and runs his left hand over his palm. Over the lump. Oh. He shudders, his stomach drops, and he melts back into the chair. Oh. His mom walks in with the groceries and sees him staring blankly at the wall. She notices his left hand clutching his right wrist and the groceries fall onto the ground. A few things shatter, but Louis doesn't hear it that much anyway. Oh. His mum is sobbing and clutching the phone and soon the entire family is there. Phoebe pokes the lump and Louis flinches a little bit and then Daisy explodes into tears. Oh. Harry comes over when the moon is shining through the window and Louis is slumped over on the arm of the chair. He envelops Louis' petite right hand in both of his own and Louis can feel Harry's hands trembling. Louis raises his eyes to stare into Harry's green ones and then he flutters them close because it hurts too much. Louis feels it when Harry starts quivering, and it consumes him when Harry begins sobbing. He never cries. He never opens his eyes again that night. Oh.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

In the morning Louis wakes up to see Harry running his fingers through his curls and glaring at the mirror. Louis sits up slowly and shakes the covers to get Harry's attention. It works and Harry flips around sheepishly, with a little shrug in response. Louis motions with his right hand for Harry to get back in bed so they can pretend none of this is reality.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

By Harry's birthday Louis' hand is beginning to close in on itself, his fingers puffy and crooked. He goes to pick up a present with both of his hands, to hand to his boyfriend, but it just slides right out. Everyone is silent, Louis can just feel it. He hates this, hates that he can't sign anything to Harry anymore because his hand just doesn't move. Niall is on the other side of Harry just gaping horrified at Louis.

"What is your fucking problem?" Louis screams and runs up the stairs in Harry's house until he lands with an Oof in Harry's bed. His boyfriend's scent is comforting, and he immediately feels bad for shouting but he can't take the pity and discomfort anymore. Louis' been having enough of confusion, loneliness, and oddity without people gaping at him similarly to Niall. Eventually Louis walks down the stairs slowly and everyone welcomes him back as if nothing ever happened. No one mentions the incident, especially Harry.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

After that day Harry and Louis spend hours on the Internet looking for treatment. They find a few things which Louis relays to his mother. She always seems extremely hopeful when he tells her, which in return makes him hopeful. One night she sits him down.

"I contacted the doctor," she starts. Louis grins. Maybe his hand can get better now. "We talked about treatment for you. But um, we. We don't have enough money," his mother starts sobbing so Louis can barely make out her words. "I don't know what to do Louis, I'm so sorry." Louis' smile falters and all he can think to do is put his arms around her and rest his cheek on her shoulder. The gesture was supposed to be comforting, for both of them, but they end up hugging for hours. Louis ignores the few tears that leak from his blue eyes and onto his mother's shirt sleeve.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis sits down in the chair next to Zayn. "What do you want then?" Zayn looks at him expectantly, as Louis goes over each word to make sure he heard it correctly.

"Um, I'd like the word soulmate please," he coughs out. "On my wrist."

"You sure mate? Maybe a little further back from your wrist?" So apparently they're both ignoring his hand.

"Where?" Zayn points to the area he has in mind and Louis nods.

"Su-Ahem, Sure." Zayn makes a sound of affirmation, or maybe he doesn't Louis can't be sure, and begins sketching away. He lifts up the paper to Louis.

"Like this?" The letters are curvy and pretty and they're all connected.

"Yes." Zayn begins the process and Louis lets himself drift. Maybe now he and Harry could speak to each other properly. Maybe now all hope wasn't lost. But he could only write so many things on his body, there was limited space. However when the tattoo is done Louis thanks Zayn profusely and beams at the word written on his arm.

Louis takes the bus to Harry's house, since he can't drive. When he shows Harry, Harry laughs and picks up Louis and whirls him around. 'It's everything' Harry signs. The translation is a bit weird but Louis understands. Harry sticks out his fist and thumb, and Louis holds out his left hand to meet him and they grin because they are soulmates.

That night they have sex for the first time. Harry kisses him with sweet passion and Louis kisses back with equal fervor and they come together in a silent moment of white hot brilliance. Harry lies next to Louis, panting, with the glorious knowledge that him and his boyfriend just made love.

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Niall can't stop talking no matter how hard he tries. "What are they going to do Liam!" Liam attempts being calm, but it's one of the most difficult things he's ever done.

"I. I. I don't know." Niall throws his arms around Liam and they hug. "I can't imagine what I'd do if that happened to Danielle."

"We can get through this right? Right?" Liam doesn't move.

"Maybe. I just don't know if they can." Harry backs away from the empty classroom with a hand over his mouth even though it won't help him be quiet. He was an experienced lip-reader and now his stomach felt like it was caving in on itself. Oh.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Daisy snatches his hand one morning and asks Louis if it hurts. He shrugs and shakes his head. "Not really," she seems skeptical, "I promise."

"Good." She nods her approval and skips down the hallway to the bedroom she shares with Phoebe. It isn't until she has disappeared around the corner that Louis realizes she was holding his left hand.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Louis slumps down in front of the gas station. The bus had dropped him off a few blocks away and now it was raining. The smell wasn't a pleasant one mixed with gasoline and car fumes, but he didn't feel like going inside the store. Then he'd have to buy something.

After an hour, or maybe fifteen minutes, Louis stands up and goes over to the door. Only he can't open it. He couldn't pull the door towards him, his hands too stiff. Louis begins bawling right there under the gas station lights in the middle of a thunderstorm on a street he doesn't know. He just fucking bawls like he did when he was five and couldn't stay up past his bedtime.

At some point a lady comes over and asks if he's okay. Or at least if he read her lips right. The rain drumming on the roof is loud. "Um, c-hic-could you help me c-call my -hic- boyfriend please?" He lifts his hands and she gasps.

"Of course!" The lady fishes out her phone and he rattles off the numbers for her.

"And can you actually text him?" She cocks her head to the side.

"Sweetie just call him."

"He's, uh, he's d-deaf." This time the lady controls herself and nods like that's the most normal thing in the world.

"Alright then. How about 'this is- what's your name?"

"Louis."

"Ok I'm writing 'this is Louis, please come pick me up at the gas station on Saint Alexander Blvd.' Is that good?" Louis shakes his head up and down and smiles in relief.

"Thank you so much." The lady bids him goodbye and Louis leans against the window until Harry pulls in to pick him up.

'Are you ok?' Harry moves his hands so effortlessly. Louis makes an x with his arms. Then he mouths out 'I couldn't open the door with my hands. Please take me home.'

'Are you sure you don't want to go to a hospital? Please Louis.'

'No. Take me home.' Louis grunts in frustration, but of course Harry doesn't hear. Like always. Harry holds out his fist and thumb, Louis holds out his swollen, gnarled hand and pathetically shakes it around next to Harry's. That's all he can manage. So Harry drives them back to his own house and no they don't cry themselves to sleep. No Harry doesn't hold his hands over Louis' because they can't actually hold hands anymore. No they don't wish they were dead. No.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

On graduation day, the school still gives Louis his diploma. He has no fucking idea why. Harry accepts it for him, because the night before Louis had shared his insecurities about his ugly hands. "I look so disgusting," he mouthed through his tears. Harry inched closer to him.

"You are beautiful," Harry says and although Louis can't hear it that well it makes his tummy tingle. "Every part of you." Harry kisses each of his fingers. Then they make love again, slow and passionate. It's definitely difficult, but completely worth it.

After graduation they stand together in the empty hallway. Harry's forehead is pressed to Louis' as they just revel in being together. 'What are we gonna do now?' Harry signs. Louis leans back a little, smiling softly at his lover and he mouths his words slowly, not bothering to really say them. Too much effort.

"We'll make the best of it. Me and you. You and me."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

On Monday morning after graduation Louis has Harry carry his stuff and they pack up the car. Harry drives and they end up at the old folk's home, Louis grimacing but not too badly because their future at least looks a bit brighter here. When the two boys walk up to the front desk, the lady mumbles something but neither of them are sure what.

"Excuse me miss," Louis croaks out, he knows his voice must sound horrible even if he can't tell exactly. "We're here to check in. I'm Louis Tomlinson-Styles, and this is Harry Tomlinson-Styles." When the lady moves her eyes at Harry he smiles widely and waves. She checks her list, then puts a clipboard on the counter and stares at Louis expectantly. His smile falters slightly, but Harry steps forward.

Harry signs hello to the secretary, just to see if she knows. Her mouth drops open and immediately she's apologizing. She starts signing at Harry, then at Louis. She again waits for Louis to say something, he only holds up his two gross looking hands. Harry tries not to snicker because obviously at this point the girl is ready to pass out or burst into tears. She ends up doing both, and another male nurse comes to lead them back to their rooms. Louis plops down on the mattress and smiles up at Harry.

'This is our new home' Harry signs.

'Our home' Louis mouths. 'Come sit next to me Mr. Tomlinson-Styles.'

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Dupuytren's Disease is real, as is 99% of how I've described it. Find me on twitter at henn_katie and let me know what you thought, or leave a review. ;) xoxo**


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